Co-Parenting

Co-Parenting occurs when a couple shares equally in the custody and care of their child after separation or divorce. The key piece to the co-parenting puzzle is sharing equally the parenting responsibilities, regardless of custody arrangements.

This does not mean an equal division of “labor,” it means that both parties take equal responsibility for raising their children. Any parents who are parenting from different households are co-parenting and co-parents are not necessarily biological parents. Step-parents who have divorced the biological parent can be co-parenting as well.

“Co-parenting takes a great deal of work and can be challenging, but if done with care and open communication a family can transition with little disruption. The most important thing for co-parents to understand and accept is that this process is not about them, it is about their children. Parents must find a way to get along, act like adults and keep their children separate from any marital disagreements or arguments,” says Neil Tift, Family Support Specialist.

One of the riskiest times in the co-parenting relationship is during transitions from one household to another. In arranging transitions between homes, first, consider the convenience of the children. This does not mean parents need to be overly inconvenienced but making sure the child’s convenience is a top priority. It is vital that co-parents are on the same page with parenting styles, approaches to discipline and communication techniques. Rules and parenting styles should remain the same in both households to alleviate confusion, provide consistency and reduce the potential for an adversarial or hostile co-parenting relationship.

“One of the most common and destructive difficulties in co-parenting is when separated parents don’t get along and the children are caught in the crossfire. Refraining from using children as a go-between and avoid talking badly about the other parent is common sense strategist that are crucial in the health and well-being of growing children. Constant friction causes high levels of stress for children that impacts their social, emotional and even brain development,” says Tift.

Tips on avoiding co-parenting difficulties:

• Communicate to children that divorce or separation is the decision solely of the adults.
• Help the children not to get caught in loyalty binds.
• Reassure children over and over that when parents are separating or divorcing it has to do with a change in the adults’ relationship and has nothing to do with anything the children did or said.
• Avoid intimate details of the breakup, but provide enough information to relieve any fears.
• As with any significant change and transition in a child’s life, make sure to be available, communicate frequently, exercise a lot of patience, keep your promises and reassure your child that there is still plenty of love to go around.

Divorce or separation don’t have to be detrimental to children. In the best of circumstances where co-parents can remain friendly and cordial, work together on the same page for their children, and present a united front while parenting from different households, the effects of divorce or separation are significantly reduced.

Child Crisis Arizona offers free classes and workshops on co-parenting.